Collection... Yeah, You Get It

As dog owners, we have to do some rather unpleasant tasks from time to time. I mean really, walking around with rolls of shit bags in our pockets waiting for the moment. The moment we get to pick up that big hand warmer and carry it around for a while. I guess it’s not so bad if you own a little dog, but a big dog, that’s quite the load. You just have to hope the wind is blowing in the right direction so you don’t pass out. At least most of the bags do what they’re supposed to do and you get through the task without actually having any of the load touch you.

Recently I had to get a pee sample from Chili. It’s not like this was the first time I’ve ever done this but for some reason the ridiculousness of the whole thing hit me. Is this some kind of joke? This is exactly what I was thinking as they handed me this little cup with an opening that was 2” wide. What the hell was I supposed to do with this? Talk about setting me up for failure. Do they all go into the back and laugh after you’re given the cup? There should be a prize for getting through this task successfully. It’s like one of those puzzles where you have to put everything in its exact place before the buzzer goes off. As the vet was telling me that I had to collect Chili’s morning pee I just kept looking from the cup, to her, back to the cup, then to her. I didn’t say anything; I just kept staring and then walked to my truck looking at this little cup.

I was not looking forward to this, so when it was time, I had to will myself to get out of bed. I’m half asleep, but I’m ready for it. Before we go outside I make sure I’m geared up. I tie my hair back, I don’t need anything impairing my vision, I’ve already got enough things working against me. I wear a close fitting jacket so the sleeves won’t get in the way, and no gloves. Now we’re ready and out we go into the yard. Oh hell, that’s right, Chili had diarrhea for a couple of days and I haven’t cleaned it up yet. So now I also have to walk through a maze too. This could be a wii game (get it?).

I’m at the ready, watching her every move and waiting for the moment that she squats. She’s looking at me suspiciously because I’m acting weird. “Come on Chili, just pee”. She stops to sniff and I get ready to go in. I already know this won’t go well. She’s a girl and she squats. How the hell am I going to get this little cup in the right spot when she’s squatted so low to the ground? How do people with teeny little dogs do this? The cup is taller than the dog’s squat clearance.

OK, here she goes. I dive in and shove the cup under her, moving it around. I can’t see unless I kneel or lay on the ground and there’s no way I’m doing that it’s still a little dark. I’m blind holding a cup under my peeing dog. I really hope she doesn’t pee on me. Figures, I just get the cup under her and she shuts off the tap, gives me a dirty look, and walks away. All I got was about a raindrops worth. But hey, at least I didn’t get peed on. I kept following her around, telling her to pee, but she was done. I can only imagine what she was thinking. Psycho Mom.

I know what you’re thinking, “You idiot, why didn’t you just use something bigger and then transfer it into the cup?” Well, I actually did think about it but then I started to overthink it and you know the story from there.

The things we do for our dogs.